Photo courtesy of Julien Delaunay of Unsplash

I’m not sure how many bloggers reach the point of writing about poop. I may be the first.

Advent begins this Sunday, so rest assured I’ll be back to writing more inspirational pieces than this one. But it’s good to find time to laugh.

I weighed the decision carefully as to whether to write this piece or not. But then I saw the flyer from Bed Bath & Beyond and knew it was a sign to move forward.

All of the parks where I walk my dog Riley have very strict rules about dog waste: If your dog poops, you’re expected to pick it up and dispose of it properly. Period. Most places even provide the bags to use for the cleanup.

There’s a flaw in the dog waste pickup program at one of our local parks. The trash cans are all located near the parking lot. There are none on the walking path that encircles the fields.

Here’s Riley’s Law of Poopativity: 98.73% of the time, Riley decides to poop at the farthest possible point from ANY trash can. That means, of course, that I have the distinct pleasure of carrying the loot bag around for the rest of our walk until we return to the parking lot area.

My guess is that our Parks & Rec could quadruple the compliance rate of dog poop pickup by owners by simply providing more trash cans throughout the park. Problem solved.

Speaking of poop (truthfully, have you ever used that phrase?), I saw a product ad for a gizmo similar to Bowl Brite. What, you’ve not heard of Bowl Brite? It’s a motion activated illumination thingie you stick on the inside of your toilet lid. It serves two purposes for that middle-of-the-night trip to the bathroom: 1) It provides a soft nightlight in your toilet so you don’t have to turn on the bright lights. 2) It functions as a safety prop. When the light is red, don’t sit down, ladies, because the seat has been left up. If it’s green, you’re safe.

It appears a competitor has come up a similar idea. The Illumibowl Toilet Projector Night Light (not making this up) creates a reflection in your toilet bowl. They started out with generic images such as a poop emoji. (And who doesn’t enjoy that?!) But for Christmas, you can project an image of Santa floating in the water of your toilet bowl.

Not only would I NOT put a nightlight in my toilet, but also, seriously, who wants to poop on Santa? This is just wrong. And creepy. Very creepy.

And just when I thought I’d reached the end of the line of viewing ads for frivolous and really-who-would-want-that gifts, Bed Bath and Beyond’s flyer proved me wrong.

Calling it a “top pick of the season” for gifts, they are offering the “Poo-Pourri Potty Box.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for just $24.99 you can give a loved one a set of three toilet bowl spritzers to mask the odor of you know what.

But wait! The spritzers come in a box the shape of a toilet bowl and lid. I wish I was making this up. Sadly, I am not.

My gift-giving recommendation list for Christmas this year does NOT include Illumibowl or the Potty Box. Because if you buy a special someone either one of those, you’ll likely hear, “Oh, you shouldn’t have.”

And this time the recipient will actually mean it.